Summary of my last year on the computer...

[Renae/k9do]

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and
rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I found
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


Have a wonderful day.

[Maureen]

Amazing - I got some of those emails, too!! And, no, I did not send them on to you!! Maybe if people didn't send so many of these 'chain emails' the essential ones would get through quicker?

Maureen